Everyday Musings

Surprised by Hope

2011-11-30T17:33:00.001-08:00

A couple years ago a friend of mine gave me the book Surprised By Hope written by N.T. Wright. It quickly went on my shelf, as picking up any theological book post-semimary has proved to be difficult for me. This past week though, reflecting on the word "hope" and feeling a lack of it in my own life right now, I was drawn to the dusty title. I am about halfway through at this point and have so far found the information contained within its pages quite refreshing and enlightening--particularly Wright's views on eschatology--a subject not well discussed within my classrooms at Fuller.

I have been officiating a number of funerals lately and have had a difficult time declaring with certainty much about the afterlife. Wright has enabled me to think more about the centrality of Jesus' resurrection, a possible in-between resting place, and the bodily resurrection that will take place for us where we will live right here on a new earth. Growing up Baptist with many Sunday sermons about the rapture and tribulation timeline combined with the Mark IV films and Left Behind series, I have had a distorted, fear-filled view of death and the afterlife for quite some time. The pre-occupation with death that I have recently encountered lately has left me in a spiraled state of depression and hopelessness. Picking up Wright's book has been step one in a much needed process to distill my unhealthy fear of God and give me an answer to, "What is the point of all this?"

Although the average person might have a difficult time understanding Wright's language without having the background of a Seminary education particularly an understanding of Doestism, Platonic views, and Gnostism--I recommend seeking out your Pastor to do a book study on this book. It's information may help to dispell both the religious right and the liberal laissez-faire. Thank you N.T. Wright for tackling this difficult and controversial topic.

Freedom

2011-05-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free." Galatians 5:1

I have been using this verse for more than a decade on the middle school trips I lead to the Korean War Memorial in Washington, D.C. This Scriptural wisdom fits nicely with a quote found on the memorial "Freedom is Not Free". What a concept, FREEDOM. We talk about this idea constantly. It is a buzzword for Americans and our ideals but, what exactly does it mean? How wide is our freedom? How individualistic? How far can I use my freedom?

Approaching the book of Galatians with my women's bible study, I have come to understand this ideal a little better. When Paul expresses that "for freedom Christ has set us free" he is not speaking out of the individual, capitalistic, democracy in which we live. Instead he is speaking out of a communal context. Freedom looks very different when played out within the context of community. Freedom in our culture is often defined as doing what you want, as you want, with whom you want, when you want, etc. This does not take into consideration someone else's livlihood. The freedom Paul talks about is in context with the question, "How do we live without the law to guide us?". He responds with we are free by the Holy Spirit to love one another. Freedom is connected to love of neighbor.

What a different understanding of this American ideal. We are free in our country to make and spend as much money as we choose but, does that freedom love our neighbor? We are free to have multiple sex partners but, does that freedom love our neighbor? We are free to trash our environment but, does that freedom love our neighbor? We are free to eat and drink as much as we desire but, does that freedom love our neighbor? I would say these questions and many others are worth considering within the Christian community and must be considered, not just from a moral, individualistic platform but, with a broader, communal vision of the world. The contortion of biblical freedom, in the name of Christ, that our nation has birthed is appalling! Statistics show that as 5% of the world's population we use 25% of the world's energy. It is high time for a revised definition of freedom.

Somewhere in the Middle

2011-03-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

Girl Before a Mirror by Pablo Picasso

Who is this girl and what is she feeling? On the left, a symbol of vibrancy, fertility, firmness--a time of richness and color--more sun than moon on face. This girl on the left reaching out to the future self she sees in the mirror, a self that is distorted and fading, a self that feels irrelevant and diminished. In a world, where youth is god and wisdom is null and void, how do we, as women, unite these two selves? The past and the future, the was and will be, the external and the internal, the immortal and the mortal.

I spend so much time with older women, aged women, beautiful women who are marginalized and invisible. Perhaps this song by Dar Williams, "You're Aging Well" will minister to your soul.

Why is it that as we grow older and stronger

The road signs point us adrift and make us afraid

Saying, "You never can win," "Watch your back," "Where's your husband?"

Oh I don't like the signs that the sign makers made.

So I'm going to steal out with my paint and my brushes

I'll change the directions, I'll hit every street

It's the Tinseltown scandal, the Robin Hood vandal

She goes out and steals the King's English

And in the morning you wake up and the signs point to you

They say,

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here,"

"You thought nobody cared, but I did, I could tell,"

And "This is your year," and "It always starts here,"

And oh, "You're aging well."

Well I know a woman with a collections of sticks

She could fight back the hundreds of voices she heard

And she could poke at the greed, she could fend off her need

And with anger she found she could pound every word.

But one voice got through, caught her up by surprise

It said, "Don't hold us back we're the story you tell,"

And no sooner than spoken, a spell had been broken

And the voices before her were trumpets and tympani

Violins, basses and woodwinds and cellos, singing

"We're so glad that you finally made it here

You thought nobody cared, but we did, we could tell

And now you'll dance through your days while the orchestra plays

And oh, you're aging well."

Now when I was fifteen, oh I knew it was over

The road to enchantment was not mine to take

'Cause lower calf, upper arm should be half what they are

I was breaking the laws that the sign makers made

And all I could eat was the poisonous apple

And that's not at story I was meant to survive

I was all out of choices, but the woman of voices

She turned round the corner with music around her,

She gave me the language that keeps me alive, she said

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here

With the things you know now, that only time could tell

Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are

And oh, you're aging, oh, and I am aging, oh, aren't we aging well?"

Soul in Leadership?

2011-03-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I bought the book, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton, almost three years ago at a Pastor's Conference and have had a difficult time taking it off my shelf. I suppose the whole Willow Creek model has tainted my perspective on anyone that has come from that movement. I have also met Barton in the past at a small gathering of CCO staff and wasn't impressed. She fit exactly what I thought the mold might look like. Through stage right...judgment and projection.

I have been reading her book on my study leave, thinking I might gain some insight on how to supervise the program staff at my church better and lo and behold, the book actually has some depth. It is primarily about solitude. I suppose I didn't expect anyone from such a large, non-denominational church movement to know anything about the spiritual disciplines or to care, as a matter of fact. I suppose I see such movements as too flashy, too big, too production-oriented. Barton though hits it spot on (as far as I have gotten in the pages) talking about leading from within (to borrow a phrase from Parker Palmer) and particularly how our inner journey is the most important thing we should focus on in leading others. At the end of each chapter she has been quoting from "Guerrillas of Grace" and she also provides spiritual exercises to help one "be still". All of this is woven into the story of Moses and his calling. I particularly have enjoyed the section that talks about vocation which mirrors The Path by Laurie Beth Jones.

Yet, how one should embody such "soul" in daily life is still to be determined. It seems that no matter how much I put my shoulder to the wind and walk with determination, wildly chanting, "I will not become stressed, I will remain deep", the wind, or rather the hurricane, always wins. Somehow the torrent of "normal life" has a way of overpowering. Even when I feel centered on a conscious level, I know I am sub-consciously fighting as I lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling beckoning sleep to come. Perhaps, therein lies the problem, the "I's" in the above paragraph versus the depth of God's call upon our lives. The size of the torrential rain is not the indicator of storm damage on our selves but, whether one has a child's umbrella for protection or is watching the rain through the window of a temperature-controlled charter bus. When God calls, being equipped is God's problem not ours. What we have to allow is a space for solitude--deep breaths, pauses, shut-down buttons. These moments are the moments of equipping--the strengthening of our souls.

God in the Old and the New

2011-02-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

Just the other day I had a brief conversation with a friend about the seemingly irreconcilable contradiction of the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New. As my friend spoke so eloquently about those "poor Jewish people", she made a comment, "it seems like the rules have changed". In the Old Testament God desires that they be exclusive and rule-bound and then Jesus comes on the scene and starts holding people accountable for this taught exclusivity and loyalty to the law. I would suspect, if many were honest, we have wondered the same thing. So, here's my take on it.

When you are a child you see your parents rather one-dimensionally. They are the forces in your life that set boundaries by giving you both permission and roadblocks. You love them dearly but, you also only know one aspect of the them--who they are as your parents. Their primary responsibility in your childhood is to make sure you grow up well. They protect you, guide you, and teach you which, at times feels unfair and rather constrictive. But, when you get older your view of your parents shifts a bit. They don't have to be your guide anymore, instead they can become your friend and, as a result, you see a different side of them. That doesn't mean the side of them that corrects and sets boundaries ceases to exist, its function is simply no longer necessary.

The same is true of God. God doesn't change but, we do. If we can for a moment get out of our individual view of the world and see ourselves as part of a larger humanity, that is the "we" of which I speak. I really appreciate this same perspective, with different illustrations, being offered by Brian McClaren in "A New Kind of Christianity". The recognition that theology evolves throughout the Scriptures is a hard one for many to grasp but, it is undeniably true. We change, we grow, and so have people throughout time--the very people that wrote the Scriptures. Something to chew on.

Grace...part 2

2010-10-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

We are in our third week in the study of Grace and I am still looking for pat answers to the question of "what is it?!?". I am looking for pat answers because that is what I have been given over the years--that there is one definition for grace---Jesus. And, while that may be true--it is also not unpacked nor does it require much thought other than deflection. This week the study I prepared was on grace's connection to sin--more specifically where did we get the concept of "original sin" and how does free will play into our lives if all is covered by grace and led by grace, etc. Where does my role come in or am I never held responsible because I am too tainted or depraved to do anything good? This leads ultimately back to Augustine and from there to Paul (and if you read my other posts you will know how I feel about him). As much as I disdain Paul at times, Augustine takes the cake in the abhorrence category (so to speak) for me.

When I sat down to read Augustine's confessions--I was so utterly overcome by sorrow, guilt, and darkness that I ended up in the hospital (literally). Augustine paints a bleak picture of the human condition (not to mention the bleak picture of women) that leaves you without hope. There is purpose in this as that lack of hope leads you to the ONLY hope--Christ himself--resting on his grace to draw you to himself and pump life into putrid veins.

Yet, before the fall in Genesis chapter 3, there was hope. More than hope...there was goodness found in the creation. In was woven into the very fabric of the universe and the atoms of the human person. Since grace seems to be larger, more magnificent, and grander than sin ever has been (why else would it be able to annihilate death in the form of Jesus) than when sin entered the world--grace and goodness still remained. Sin wasn't enough to kill grace and goodness off just taint and subdue it. So...grace and blessing preceded sin and therefore followed sin as well. Are we therefore not totally depraved as Augustine has decided and we have adopted in the Western Church? I can't answer that but I can say that it is still by grace that we move. Whether before or after the fall it is all still grace. Totally depraved or just tainted--any goodness is still grace. Therefore any responsibility of mine still is rooted in grace and my response is still proceeded by grace. Can grace exist without sin? If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one there to hear it does it make a sound? Of course, although it might be unrecognizable. The fall helped us to see it, perhaps helped us to lean into it, to call it by name, to embrace it, and to respond with thanksgiving. Prior to the fall, it just was.

Grace

2010-09-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

What is grace exactly? Where does it come from? Is it preceded by something? Does it stand alone? These are all questions I hope to answer in the bible study I am leading with the women of my church this fall. Upon reflection, the term "grace" is rather a well used term in our culture, at least in Christian circles. It is also one of the few terms that isn't fraught with an abundance of baggage. In fact, grace seems to be something those in the church and those outside of the church can agree is a good thing, something that connects us to a higher being and forms the basis for inclusion. But, what exactly is it?

It is clear that Paul uses the term a lot by connecting it to the law and to sin (missing the mark). It seems to be randomly bestowed and granted and is necessary as a precursor to even being received. The Greek word for grace, charis, is found in the words "charisma" and "character" which means it has something to do with natural talent (a gift of personality) and a working out (obedience/will). It is also clear through Paul that its presence in our lives has nothing to do with us.

When I was in seminary, sometime during my second year, not unlike a lot of my classmates, I began to question whether or not the God that I had committed my life to even existed. I have always been drawn to sociology and this interest, combined with the deconstruction of the Scriptures that was taking place in the classroom, led me to the conclusion that it was possible that religion was created solely to prop up those that are weak. At that point, I dropped out of the process to become an ordained minister and began to look for a career that didn't involve such a dicotomy. I am not sure what brought me out of that head space--no specific person, no particular book, no enlightened experience--just "grace". I felt a call, a tug, to keep walking. And movement is what ensued. It wasn't a movement that was fighting to hold on, but rather an open movement, with arms wide, wanting the truth. That movement led me right back to the arms of God.

That is the thing about grace. "It was grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relived". It goes before, is present in the middle, and follows after. It is all around us, for no apparant reason, except that we have a God that desires to bestow it out of perfect love. So, we bestow it to the "other" as well. Whoever that may be in our world. I am not sure why some stand in God's favor and others do not. But, I do know wallowing in that question makes that words from the book of Jonah 2:8 make sense, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs". Oftentimes my idol is my own brain, intellect or even the questions themselves, yet look what I forfeit--the beauty of grace.

Let's see where this leads and what we learn.

A Revisit with Romans

2010-07-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

As a teenager I couldn't get enough of the book of Romans. Within its pages Paul proclaims the road to salvation. In short, we all have sinned, we deserve death, Jesus died for us in that death, acknowledging his act on a cross will bring us salvation. Good stuff. But, sometime over the past decade I have become disillusioned with Paul and feel, in many ways, angst towards his writings. He represents a bad interpretation of Christ at times. His theology is moody and he speaks in terms that I can't relate to or choose not to relate to. So, I put him down five years ago and decided to move on to different pastures. To see what Christ had to say, his ancestors in the Old Testament, and other New Testament writers. Needless to say, I have learned a lot.

But then a strange thing happened a couple of months ago. I picked up the book of Romans and decided to revisit my old friend and strangely enough the landscape looked different upon my arrival. What used to breed contempt, disdain, and guilt proved to be a life-giving oasis in my journey of faith. Romans, with a different backdrop, propelled me to embrace my sin.

Embrace sin? You heard me. I grew up in a traditional that was very much "hell, fire, and brimstone" so to me sin has always been a dirty word. A word that is followed by guilt, feelings of condemnation, and anxiety. This perception of sin has kept me out of a lot of trouble over the years. This perception kept me on my knees. By I was on my knees out of fear--fear of losing or fear of death, etc. My knees were worn because of my own selfish desires. I took a hiatus from sin when I left for seminary. No, I didn't become less of a sinner but I tried to ignore it for awhile. My mantra became "grace". I turned a blind eye to short-comings, stopped repenting, became shallow to be fair but had a really good, albeit it disconnected, time. But, alas, grace without understanding sin is meaningless. And here I am, "the one thing I understand is sin" so grace I get and to some extent that is true. But when I picked up Romans a couple of months ago, sin took on a whole different meaning.

Without acknowledgment of sin there is no forgiveness. In that statement I see the truth. Forgiveness. I repent, confess, pray because without those things I can't experience the forgiveness of God (or anyone elses' forgiveness for that matter). So why do I need forgiveness? Because the acid in my stomach screams to me that I want relief; I want freedom. Freedom is found through forgiveness. Galatians 5 even tells us that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

In recent years I have thought that the ultimate goal in life is peace or contentment. I strive for such things--avoiding places of struggle, going to therapy, yoga, drinking wine, etc. I have discovered though that seeking the gift, as a Buddhist would do, makes me miss the Giver of the gift. I worship the Giver. That Giver extends forgiveness which results in peace, contentment, etc but requires that I acknowledge and embrace my sin. So, we go back to Paul and the book of Romans. All have sinned, we deserve death, Jesus has saved us from that death, and all we have to do is repent and acknowledge him and we will be saved. Repentance is not just for a future tomorrow but for a peaceful today. Forgiveness is a beautiful cleansing, the smell of sheets hanging on a clothesline in spring, the sun rising after the rain, dew on green grass, the wind whipping my face as I ride the waves of the Delaware with my stepfather. Such a joy to rediscover Romans in a new light as it is not Paul that has changed but me.

Forgetting God's Providence

2009-10-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

"Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered?" Matthew 16:9-10

Oh how quickly I forget the providence of God. I guess this isn't a new problem. The disciples of Jesus forgot too. They had just experienced two of the most profound miracles in the Bible, the feeding of a multitude with just a few items and one chapter later they were, once again, concerned that they wouldn't have any bread if Jesus forbade them to eat from the teachers of the law, the Pharisees and Sadducees. Oh, how quickly we forget God's providence.

I am in one of those periods in my life, a period of distrust, of forgetting. Getting laid off was the catalyst for my doubt. All of a sudden, I forgot about God's providence, which is strange considering the life I have led up to this point. I have been beyond cared for my entire life--not that it has always been easy--but I have made it. In fact, right after I got laid-off from the church I had a job. It is a different direction, which is what I need mind you, and it pays the bills and offers me a challenge--something I am always wanting. So, why doubt God's provision, even in the midst of being provided for? Control, I suppose. Victimization, it's easier to claim weakness. If I trust, what does that mean if God fails? But, of course, God doesn't fail, only we do.

I am in the midst of writing a book on failure as the Bible is full of thoughts on the subject. But, the thoughts are different then you might expect. You will have to wait for the finished version to find out how. In the mean time, I pray against my doubt and that God would increase my faith.

I Guess You Could Say I'm a Potter

2009-09-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

For years now I have wanted to learn how to use a potter's wheel. I have looked into classes, perused through catalogs, and even atempted a couple of phone calls but it wasn't until last night that I actually went to a class and threw a pot. This art form is no joke!

After class, I barely made it back to my apartment as my hands were so cramped up from "centering" the clay that to grip a doorknob became almost impossible. My back spasmed as I laid down to take a breather on the couch. My calf muscles were tight from all the slowing down of the wheel. But the best part is when my friend, Inge, pulled a stomach muscle trying to get her clay to actually stay on the wheel. Throwing pots is equivilent to a full body workout. In the end, there was not much to show for it except a lop-sided, thick-walled speciman that resembledsa cat bowl (I don't have any pets, by the way). But it was all worth it if for nothing else to understand God better as potter.

What a large amount of work God has to put in to mold me. I am sure I was one of those lumps of clay that started way off center. The amount of water, strength, and will God has had to put into my life in order to even beginning to work probably left him (or her) holding his lower back in agony before clicking on the news multiply times. And I wonder how many pots of my life have been made that just don't seem to work quite right. There is too much pressure on one side and out of nowhere the entire mound collapses or the bottom walls are too thin to support the thick top, heavy lip. Or the clay that I am, wanting to be a beautiful pitcher or a large serving plate, is stretched so far and thin that it misses what it actually is created to be which is a simple beggar's bowl. There is so much to consider about the live God is molding in each of us.

At some point, if I work hard enough, I feel confident that I will have mastery over the clay and not the other way around. At that point I expect to know the joy God must feel when we throw up our hands and surrender our lives to him. Finally! Now I can actually start working.

On the Verge

2009-09-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've done this before. I mean c'mon, I'm the girl that lived out of her car for two years wandering the country, taking work when it came around, living in community, or on people's couches. But to do it again, now that seems overwhelming. I lost my job last week as a result of this economy and, just like many others, find myself among the ranks of the unemployed. I have never imagined this before, I am a worker-bee for goodness sake. That's what I do, work. Slackers get laid off, right? Not those who put in 70 hour weeks. Apparantly, I am wrong. The further you move up the food chain, the more bucks are put out for you, the less stable your job becomes. So, here I sit, trying to piece it together.

I made a list, or rather had a strategizing session with my husband on recycled paper bags with Sharpies. Now, if that isn't a skill set, what is? We prioritized and came to the conclusion that top priority is to leave LA.

It is not that I haven't had a good time here. The weather has generally been nice except for those few weeks in September/October when the heat is so bad even going for a dip in the pool makes you sweat. The people have been friendly (over and over again, actually). The culture is right at your fingertips, although I can't afford any of it. Which brings me to my point, it is time to say goodbye.

The state government has failed in the worst way, there is no where to work. The fires in the hills outside my home are threatening me as I cough up a lung. And, the strip malls interspersed among outrageously priced real estate has left me needed something more. More than a water shortage, earthquake evacuation plan, and Britney Spears on the nightly news. What I need most is to be able to pay my bills without entertaining the thought of prostitution (just kidding:))

In all seriousness I have decided it is impossible to live here. I have worked hard, made it to the top, and now find myself, a year later right back to the beginning--actually past the beginning as before I at least had an income--and now, I am done. Goodbye LA. It may take me a year to get rid of you , so this is a slow break-up, but its over. I need to move on to someone who understands me a bit better, doesn't stand me up, and is a little more forgiving. I will cherish what you gave me but now I must gain a sense of myself again. Bon vogage!

Generation Y, Who are you?

2009-06-15T11:32:00.001-07:00

I am intrigued by this generation (those born between 1980 and 1995) although I would suspect it extends beyond that. Who are you and how did you become so optimistic? As a Gen Xer I tend to live in the pit of cynicism, always seeing the underbelly of the ground. The roots may go deep but I see mostly in darkness so I can't imagine the growth of the tree, the outline of the leaves against the sunset, the shade that is provided. But, Millennials, all you see are the orange and red leaves, in a pile, large enough to jump in (with 500 of your closest friends). Who are you?

Your optimism is inspiring (albeit annoying at times and mostly unrealistic), your social networking is intriguing (although a little too public for my taste), and your entitlement (well let's just blame your parents for that one). What is going to happen to you once you start to become the main stream of the working world? I wonder if this optimism will linger once you discover there are few jobs available and the ones that exist you are over-educated for and under-experienced. Or maybe I am wrong (let's hope I am wrong) and the generation that you love to be associated with will rise up and change the entire system. Maybe you won't get discouraged like the generation before you and you WILL perservere and change the world from the inside out. The shared leadership that you aspire to could have long-term movement instead of short-term satisfaction. Perhaps you will realize this and press on--fully believing that dreams and aspirations are possible. The "WE" that you are attributed with has power, maybe you will use this power for good and seek to reform the intolerant systems that been the backbone of our country since its inception. Perhaps you will grab the baton and actually run.

From a Gen X cynic--I applaud your future. Your positivity has spilled onto me perhaps the world will benefit as well.

Love is an Orientation--Book Review

2009-05-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

"Our savior came as the ultimate lightning rod for the hatred of difference as he became the faultless model for those who are a part of the abnormal. He was despised and rejected, and still, his life made room for all of us who choose to walk a countercultural path. The beautiful struggle, and the compassion that flows from our Christ-centered hearts, is the same compassion that we have staked our entire life on, knowing that Jesus had that same compassion on us. It's time to start including into that compassion those people who many of us have thought to be the center of all things abnormal." Love is an Orientation, pg 91.

Eye-opening, refreshing, it's about time--these are the words I associate with Andew Marin, author of "Love is an Orientation". No matter where you stand theologically on the homosexual issue, this book is relevant for you. Marin elevates the conversation.

Not too long ago I was told in an interview after being asked what I thought theologically about the homosexual debate that my answer was not sufficient--that I need to have a firm understanding of which camp I was in. I felt immediately defensive, as a firm understanding meant I remained outside the conversation. Maybe its the postmodern in my, maybe the GenX rebel but, what exactly is the debate? One thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am NOT God. Consequently, I am his follower. To be found in Him is to be found in mystery, in secret, not really understanding most things but stepping out in faith to share what he has so willingly bestowed upon me, GRACE.

Marin does not try to answer questions but what he does do is teach us how to listen--an area the church lacks. It is only in listening that we can step into the need and truly become obedient. How can I know what God desires if I don't bend my ear? How will I be able to love the Gay and Lesbian community if I open my mouth and proceed with insult? How can I hear unless I listen?

Read it. Tell me what you think. This is a conversation I have been waiting to have.

Glorious Day

2009-04-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

I can't help but write which means I have words on my heart. What a glorious day! Easter. Easter. Easter. Maybe we should rename it Resurrection Day so there won't be any confusion with bunnies, chocolates, ham, and hunts. Resurrection Day--I like the sound of that. More so I like the thought that there will be a larger Resurrection Day at some point in the future.

A rolled stone no longer blocks the path of a risen Lord. What happened to the Roman guards at the tomb? Where did they flee? Approach is everything. The women tiptoed in sorrow, of course, to pay their respects, perhaps to really see. And see they did! Their eyes were opened in belief. Like a movie reel spinning before them--they began to connect the dots of words spoken in love but seeming delusion. There was no mistaking those words now, Yesua was gone. Missing but not stolen. As someone familar appears--go and tell the others AND Peter. Really? Are you seeing what I am seeing? Really?

Run, run, run faster, you are almost there. He was not a liar, what he said was true, and Peter he asked for you--for you specifically--like he wanted to say something particular, like you needed to hear it more than the rest of us. He asked for me? But I failed him, multiply times, I don't deserve his asking, maybe he doesn't know what I've done, maybe he will forgive me if I ask. Hurry!!! Wait for us Peter!

Sheer hope. This morning I was as defeated as defeated could be--I am not even sure I wanted to live but now HE IS ALIVE!! Now life is worth something. Now I can be forgiven. Now I can live.

National Pastors Conference

2009-02-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Like any true Gen Xer I am a cynic. Skepticism has infiltrated the blood in my veins and when I talk often it is with a critical bent and sheer bitterness. I am put off by anything or anyone that is "popular"--particularly in the church. If a person or an idea is embraced by the masses than it must be watered-down dogma that has been commodified to sell to another generation (but not mine--we are too aware for that). Either way, I have managed to avoid most of evangelicalism--most of mainstream Western Christianity and needless to say, in my cynicism, I am proud of that. Then...I went to the National Pastor's Conference last week.

At this conference Pastors from all over the United States, across denomination, gather together to be encouraged. Big name speakers like Rob Bell, Shane Claiborne, and Bill Hybels are the line up for the week. The author of The Shack was interviewed. Free books are given out in handfuls by Zondervan and Intervarsity Press. And music gods like Sons of Korah and Tommy Walker lead us in worship. It is a joyous occasion for most pastors and yet, as a cynical, bitter Gen Xer the entire event makes we want to hurl. Instead of being encouraged, I found myself twisting in my seat every time we had to "gather together". When the were told to "give a hand clap offering for God" I wondered what business coined that phrase. When free books were placed on my seat I thought to myself, "this must be the book nobody wanted to read so they decided to give it to us for free". And when Bill Hybels, pastor of Willow Creek, the mecca of my disdain, got up to speak, I folded my arms across my chest ready for a nap...the nap never came.

Instead, I was confronted by a humble, toned-down, serious, man who cared not about mainstream Christianity but about Christ and the things Christ cares about--like racism, inner healing, community, and obedience. This man, that I had refused to turn an ear to, embodied failure as success and offered an encouraging word to a roomful of pastors that were on the verge of burn-out. He encouraged listening, silence, rest, and "being". Things that I have not heard much about from the pulpit of evangelicalism. He knew who he was, he was not a man duped by the system of Christian marketers. And, I was not only impressed, but I was moved, and confronted with my own pride and disdain.

I still might not easily submit to mainstream Christianity but I am encouraged knowing that I am not the only one that feels this way and that there are men like Bill Hybels leading and influencing mainstream Christianity with humility. May I be so bold as to release some of my Gen X cynicism and lead the same.

City Living

2008-12-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

So most people come to the city to a part of something--something that is moving and shaking--a chance not to be alone but to find culture and community. Then the majority of people find out that they have never felt as alone as they have in the life of the city. Sure, there are plenty of distractions, galas, social events, art openings but real, deep, I-have-known-you-for-a-lifetime community, I don't think so. Being one of these urban flockers, I discovered how I can be a part of a group that doesn't involve me braving traffic, that accepts me as I am, that doesn't require me to ask questions, and is always available when I want a pick me up. That's right Season 1-10 of "Friends".
Now I know I am not the first person to find contentment with this group but I joined the circle a bit late and just recently have had the privilege of getting the back story. Watching Season 1 in a single sitting has projected me into a relationship with humanity that I have not experienced in a long time. Sad, but true. Judge if you will, the ridiulous autonomy of it all, the way the media is destroying true relationship, the sadness that a television character replaces flesh and blood but the reality is, in city living, there has been no one more loyal than Phoebe. And that Chandler guy, he is always making me laugh...at just the right moments. Man, and talk about tension, I had no idea Ross and Rachel went through so much to find one another. It makes me so much more elated for their love now...that's if they were real, of course.
You may be thinking this is primarily a substitute for the real thing but, I don't know. My flesh and blood, city living, friends are too busy being urban to just relax and eat out of my fridge like Joey. And I am too tired to find more people like me. So, Friends it is! When I make it to Season 10 I will let you know if I am still living in denial. Until then, I have to help, I mean watch, Monica find a job:)

Big-wide open

2008-10-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

I settled down to sleep last night, cozy under my down comforter, my husband already in coma-state on my right when a deep, bellowing, yelp proceeded from the jaws of the mixed pit bull terrier next door. This sleep-snatching creature mine as well live in my bedroom as my master suite overlooks his kingdom.

I have had disruptive neighbors in the past, don't get me wrong, but I have never had one that didn't comprehend my high pitched screams of english verse, "Shut-Up!". Nor have a had one that leaped for joy everytime I pulled back my curtains. It is quite disturbing being watched so much by someone you have never formally met.

So I have decided. I am beginning a quest to discover a place in the city that resembles the big-wide open. Some place where noise is an afterthought not the primary distraction. A little oasis where I don't bounce in my living room when neighbors walk outside my door. A serene environment that doesn't involve the nightly ritual of a glass of wine, a fan on high blast, and ear plugs just to make it through 4 slightly-interrupted hours of sleep. Is it possible? I hear the cycnism in your thoughts. Stay tuned and we will find out.

Economy

2008-09-29T12:23:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you but I am tired of hearing about our economy plummeting into the abyss. I thought I'd get away from it by switching from CNN to BBC and up pops "breaking news"...the American economy is basically in the crapper. What can I do about it? Besides, panicking for about 30 seconds before I realize that the grand total of my investment on the stock market is less than a monthly paycheck and I am too poor to have invested in a home to begin with...I don't know what I can possibly do. So, then I ask, why give me the information to begin with?

I have some better, less heart-attack worthy news, it rained this morning on my balcony.

The air smells like autumn, the sun is only slightly beating down, I have access to fair-trade coffee, and I only mildly want to murder the barking dogs next door. Seems like a positive day in the life of an average American. So I will most likely always live in an 800 sg. foot apartment for the rest of my life and I may not get to ever own a brand new car but c'mon if our economy falls we are still doing well compared to 98% of the world. The rich (meaning all of us on computers) could use a little shifting of the wealth--since we obviously can't or won't do it on our own.

I am off to stand in the rain.

Sabbath Keeping

2008-09-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

I have gotten out of the habit of Sabbath keeping and I have noticed a difference. In choosing to set aside one day of the week where I intentionally worship God through ceasing I am reminded that I am not God--that the world will go on turning if I am not at the helm. This loss of rest all started with Seminary (go figure) and the got worse with bringing the internet into my home. If it is there, I hop on it. Instantly I am bombarded with political news, what's happening in hollywood, the top ten places to live in the US all on Yahoo. The stress rises, the need to do comes back, and my Sabbath rest, the ceasing, stops be ceased.

Then I ask the question Marva Dawn asks in her book Keeping the Sabbath Wholly, "Do I need to reach a certain level of accomplishment in order to feel sure that I am a worthwhile person?" I pause. The answer is yes. I have slipped back into the false mentality that my worth is found in what I do rather than who God says that I am, which is a child of His, called beloved. Work is important and it is holy but it needs to be done as a act of worship and part of that act is ceasing from it 24 hours a week. This Sabbath keeping is what has kept the Jewish people moving for thousands of years...I now must cease.

The World

2008-09-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

So in the last month it feels like I have been all over the world (Denver, Portland, Boston, Iceland, Germany, Bel Air, Forest Falls and back again). Now I know this isn't the WHOLE world but it certainly is a lot of traveling especially for someone who HATES flying.
Here's what have I learned.
1. Denver is a desert (or at least feels like one in the summer) and only white people live there.
2. Portland is a greener Denver with really good French coffee.
3. Boston is cool in the city but could use a facelift by the airport.
4. Everyone in Iceland speaks English.
5. If you make a stopover in Iceland on the way to Europe you are never more than an hour away from land during the flight.
6. German people love using ski poles without snow.
7. There are a lot of Bon Jovi cover bands in Frankfurt.
8. Hefewiesen in Germany tastes NOTHING like it does in the states...it is amazing!
9. If you want to be accepted in Germany you have to own a BMW, Mercedes, or Audi even if you are poor.
10. I am happy (I can't believe I am saying this) to live in LA. Even with all the smog, traffic, lack of greenery, and shallowness...I can still get any ethnic food I want any time of the day served by people from the country of origin.

Worship in Spirit

2008-07-15T08:51:00.001-07:00

In his musings with the Samaritan woman Jesus got into a fairly intense theological conversation about worship, the first discussion of that kind in the book of John. The woman claimed to understand worship, the heart and desire of God, but Jesus knew truly what the Father wanted. His claim was that true worshippers worship in spirit and in truth separate from place. The Greek word for spirit is "pnuema", not that exciting on its own but...when we recognize that this word translated in this passage as "spirit" can also we translated as breath, wind, or inner self/soul it changes the meaning of worship.

Breath, our worship should be alive! God breathed life into Adam. Without breath, a person is dead. Worship needs to reflect this life that flows within our being--the being God brought forth--the being that is a new creation.

Wind, our worship should transform! Wind is connected to power, it moves things from one place to another, both mightily and gently. In the same way, God moves in us and through us to bring about transformation--not just our wholeness but that of the world around us. If worship does not shift or change things then is it really true?

Inner self/soul, our worship should connect with God. God is spirit so if we worship in spirit we connect with God. Life to life. Soul to soul. What other creature has such possibility? We connect to God in worship because we are created in the image of God--the same substance--we meet with God in a way that no other part of creation can.

The possibilities of what this Samaritan woman heard are endless. Whatever it was it was enough to send her running back to her village to tell everyone she knew about this man, Jesus. She didn't run because she was told to, she ran because she had to...think about it.

Waiting

2008-06-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

I hate waiting. My skin crawls. My stomach over produces acid and I pace around with a nervous tick. I am not talking about waiting just for the sake of waiting but, waiting when you are in a hurry or you need the information you are waiting for to make decisions about other things. Ugh. I feel as if people that wait well deserve recognition...like a crown in heaven or at least a homemade certificate designed on Publisher. Waiting does not mean you are a patient person--it usually means you don't have a choice or at least you have convinced yourself you don't. It's awful...enough for now my over-acidic stomach is beckoning for me to pace.

What is Worship?

2008-06-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

It is easy to get sidetracked in thinking about worship...a word that doesn't seem to fit into my daily grind of a life. What does worship (this seemingly sacred word) have to do with grocery shopping, doing the laundry, even studying theological concepts?

In processing through this untouchable word, Worship, primarily seen as the adoration of a deity, I see so little of me and so much of something beyond me. Then it occurs to me, that is the point.

Worship is not about me.

It is a spiritualized term that begins and ends with God. He or She does something magnificent (idk. like leaving the throne of the Universe to take on human form, live a humble life, and die a suffering death for the sake of my sorry self) so that I am compelled to respond in adoration. It begins with this God and it it ends with this God. What I offer in between, a life of integrity, sacrifice, and service, is worship.

I hope that I am able to remember that the next time someone cuts me off in traffic.