As a teenager I couldn't get enough of the book of Romans. Within its pages Paul proclaims the road to salvation. In short, we all have sinned, we deserve death, Jesus died for us in that death, acknowledging his act on a cross will bring us salvation. Good stuff. But, sometime over the past decade I have become disillusioned with Paul and feel, in many ways, angst towards his writings. He represents a bad interpretation of Christ at times. His theology is moody and he speaks in terms that I can't relate to or choose not to relate to. So, I put him down five years ago and decided to move on to different pastures. To see what Christ had to say, his ancestors in the Old Testament, and other New Testament writers. Needless to say, I have learned a lot.
But then a strange thing happened a couple of months ago. I picked up the book of Romans and decided to revisit my old friend and strangely enough the landscape looked different upon my arrival. What used to breed contempt, disdain, and guilt proved to be a life-giving oasis in my journey of faith. Romans, with a different backdrop, propelled me to embrace my sin.
Embrace sin? You heard me. I grew up in a traditional that was very much "hell, fire, and brimstone" so to me sin has always been a dirty word. A word that is followed by guilt, feelings of condemnation, and anxiety. This perception of sin has kept me out of a lot of trouble over the years. This perception kept me on my knees. By I was on my knees out of fear--fear of losing or fear of death, etc. My knees were worn because of my own selfish desires. I took a hiatus from sin when I left for seminary. No, I didn't become less of a sinner but I tried to ignore it for awhile. My mantra became "grace". I turned a blind eye to short-comings, stopped repenting, became shallow to be fair but had a really good, albeit it disconnected, time. But, alas, grace without understanding sin is meaningless. And here I am, "the one thing I understand is sin" so grace I get and to some extent that is true. But when I picked up Romans a couple of months ago, sin took on a whole different meaning.
Without acknowledgment of sin there is no forgiveness. In that statement I see the truth. Forgiveness. I repent, confess, pray because without those things I can't experience the forgiveness of God (or anyone elses' forgiveness for that matter). So why do I need forgiveness? Because the acid in my stomach screams to me that I want relief; I want freedom. Freedom is found through forgiveness. Galatians 5 even tells us that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
In recent years I have thought that the ultimate goal in life is peace or contentment. I strive for such things--avoiding places of struggle, going to therapy, yoga, drinking wine, etc. I have discovered though that seeking the gift, as a Buddhist would do, makes me miss the Giver of the gift. I worship the Giver. That Giver extends forgiveness which results in peace, contentment, etc but requires that I acknowledge and embrace my sin. So, we go back to Paul and the book of Romans. All have sinned, we deserve death, Jesus has saved us from that death, and all we have to do is repent and acknowledge him and we will be saved. Repentance is not just for a future tomorrow but for a peaceful today. Forgiveness is a beautiful cleansing, the smell of sheets hanging on a clothesline in spring, the sun rising after the rain, dew on green grass, the wind whipping my face as I ride the waves of the Delaware with my stepfather. Such a joy to rediscover Romans in a new light as it is not Paul that has changed but me.
